Mockingjay Part 1

One line…in one scene…Gale said to Katniss, “I knew you were going to do that (ie kiss me)…” she said ‘how?’ he replied..’because I am in pain……’

Katniss may not be aware of her disposition but I became aware of mine consciously years ago….I am addicted to touching, hugging…loving people, human beings who are in emotional pain…I don’t know why, but there is something hard wired deep down to my core that pulls me to people who are suffering emotionally or spiritually…I feel this crazy ability to heal them…but I’m always to afraid to try…I never let myself endeavor to do it because I get this strange feeling of not being worthy of doing it…I’m even afraid of rejection…or maybe its fear of the power I might have because I would consider it my responsibility to heal every tortured soul I come across….I wonder if this would fill me beyond my brim or drain me down to my barely surviving thread of sanity and fragile composure …… I know I will find out in either this life (hopefully) or the next….

Advertisements

Heat Damage

So all my life I’ve wriggled under an uncomfortable state of self…..in cliche terms, an identity crisis of sorts. It centred on my ethnicity….or rather lack there of….or even my mishmash of ethnic backgrounds carelessly pressed into the package that is ..well, me. The one thing I held on to was my curly hair…..it’s bounce and shine let everyone know that I wasn’t simply a strange looking white girl….but that there was more to me than you may initially think….
On my birthday I had my hair done by a girl I work with..very sweet of her….but the flat iron She used has completely flattened my curls…I’ve washed and deep conditioned my hair but the curls I once clung to are not the same anymore….they are limp and flat….they fall straight in some parts….and basically my heart is broken. After ONE use my hair is completely fucked?? How could this have happened so quickly? If there is anyone out there who has curly hair and understands my story it would be amazing if you could tell me how to fix it…a DIY deep conditioning treatment? Anything except wait for 6years for all the hair on your head to grow out….thanks xoxo image

Ask your heart to speak to my heart…..

Image

Ask your heart to speak to my heart.....

One look….one distant look and you could understand what I’m saying….. Reveal yourself to me….. For I need you to heal the pain I have felt from the rejection of the masses …. Weird …. Not cool…. Not what I expected….. Labels given to me…. Fuck em’….. They are so fooled by this world that they believe their pretences are real and that they add up to something….when they don’t. They are not Kindred souls…..they are not tortured till they break into a dancing star….they are one dimensional and unfluid….. I could not sleep on their chests……..

<3 Angel Dust

I am extra-terrestrial…

I have chosen to gravitate onto this earth and dissect a creature which is very valuable…

One incision…right above the naval, and down…

Poof!…dust….rather powder erupts and emits and levitates…

A feeling like no other…

A deep breath, I inhale and feel exalted…

Relief, fresh awakened relief…

I inhale again…deeply, deeper, deeper…

My being becomes engorged…I feel something deep inside, a sense of peace, and beauty…

I look down on the fragile, astronomically powerful creature…

She is beautiful <3…

…a tear drops from my eye…

…She is beauty… … … …

Inside every woman is a bit of angel dust…………

 

What I want to do tonight

What I want to do tonight…..drive into on coming traffic at high speed with my eyes closed…..smoke a potent and exotic blunt alone inhaling until my lungs burn in pleasure and mi mental is filled to satisfaction…..nothing can cure this feeling anymore….no soul searching can explain it….no person can heal it…..I feel I am finally a broken woman….I guess I always knew this day would come…..all the people who made me feel like my shit wasn’t worth their sympathy …..all the shallow souls that have forced me to the surface…..I am finally there….a shadow of a woman….with no truths…and only a sea of secrets to slowly drown in …..I can almost picture it…..maybe it would be a final glimpse of beauty as the ship of my earthly life sinks in failure of its unfulfilled purpose….I would be wearing a pale pink dress…..it would be long….past my knees but not below my ankles…..it would be tight around my torso and an endless flowing sheer gown around my legs…. Almost like the infamous dress princess Dianna wore when the paparazzi photographed her in some garden I think….her legs were visible through the dress….anyways, I could just picture a dress like that being so beautiful as it gets carried away by some current…beautiful…..worthy of a life’s last glimpse of beauty…..something simple and sweet to seal a souls last moment in this lifetime… Maybe then I could find my way home….figure out where home is…figure out where my tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired soul could rest it’s aching depth….maybe then this yearning could be eased…or even fulfilled….maybe then every sentence wouldn’t have to start with maybe….maybe there would be some certainties, securities and a feeling of serenity in my heart….for now I float…..I float from moment to moment….in between this situation and that situation…from painstaking experience to the next, all the while my mask of ‘got my shit together’ intact ‘ I’m not on constantly on the verge of breaking down’ intact….all the while…..

Small blessings…blessings nonetheless…

The warmth of his hugs…falling asleep wrapped-up in each other….You try, I know you try…. And that makes me feel like I’m important to you….that you give a damn….and I love that….The small blessings are the most crucial blessings…the ones that keep you on the right side of sanity….you help to soothe me….lay down my ruffled feathers…..I don’t know what I would do if I was totally alone….where I would be…..